A story of a designated/private adoption

Our story of a designated / private adoption began in the fall of 2007. We had been married 9 years and struggled with infertility throughout. We had adopted an infant daughter in 2003 and she was now 4 years old. We had just moved into our new home and began working on our home study looking forward to another adoption. Things were not going smoothly with our paperwork. Our caseworker didn’t like our pictures or our birth parent letter and we had re done them several times. Our Bishop’s letter never made it to him and it just seemed like things were dragging out.
One day a friend from high school was over for lunch and we were having a good time catching up. She had been telling me over the years about one of her sister in laws that had been struggling in her life. She had made some poor decisions, gotten pregnant, delivered the baby at home but then was only partially taking care of it. On this particular day she was telling me the latest news on the story. Sadly it wasn’t good. The family was worried for the safety of the child and they were afraid that the mom was really having some mental heath issues that were not good for the little girl. They were even considering having the child taken away so that it could be placed for adoption with a stable family. My heart broke for this little girl that I had never even met. I told my friend that I would take her, I would take her today!
It was at least 2 months later that I got an email from my friend. She said that the family was really getting close to doing something major for this little girl and they wanted to know if I had been serious… would I really be willing to take her into my home and adopt her. They didn’t want her to go to just any home; they wanted her to go somewhere that they could still be a part of her life.
My husband and I prayed about it and we felt good about it. We thought that we could be a positive and stable place for her even if we were never able to adopt her. Our caseworkers at LDS Family Services warned against it because it really could have challenges and the possibility of ending badly. Of course the birth mother would not be on board with placing the child for adoption. Things really went back and forth for about 3-4 months. Family Services went above and beyond for us in helping to facilitate the process. They spoke with the grandfather who had wanted to raise her himself. Ultimately helping him understand that she really needed a mother and father and she needed a place away from the craziness of her birthmother. They offered to meet with the birth mother on our behalf, but it was decided that she would only reject that effort and cause more problems.
There were also many attempts by the family to get the birth mother to relinquish her rights or at least sign over legal guardianship. She did sign a letter giving her parents guardianship, but it wasn’t a legal contract. Then later she did sign legal papers giving her parents guardianship, but we found out that it would be even harder because the grandparents still didn’t have the right to place her for adoption. So the guardianship was never taken to the courts. Although things were kind of messy… we just knew that she needed a family and so we waited patiently for things to come together.
In January of 2008 having never met Ashley… The grandparents along with my friend came to my home and dropped her off with her things to live with us. Within 10 minutes of them dropping her off, she was calling me mom. Later that night she was asking if this was “Ashley’s house”. . It was clear to us right away that she had been through a lot in her little life. She was nearly 2 years old and she was a very sweet and happy little girl. It was a leap of faith for us….we had no legal right to have her. In essence we were babysitting. And to be honest the outcome did not look great for us to keep her.
In the mean time the birth mom had been involuntarily committed to a mental heath facility for evaluation. She was released a week later because although they believed she was delusional they could not hold her because she was deemed to not be of risk to herself or others. She was told that we had her daughter, and at that time she was happy about that. She was very angry with her parents and did not want them to have Ashley. By some miracle in February she voluntarily went into our lawyers office and signed legal guardianship over to us. Unfortunately the courts took a very long time to process our request and legal guardianship was not granted until June 11th, 5 months after she came to live with us.
Legal Guardianship brought with it a great relief for us. We could finally get insurance for her. We could have her immunized and we could make some decisions for her well being. But sadly, I still could not promise her that she could be a part of our family forever.
We spent the next many months doing a lot of waiting…. Our lawyer said that our chances of filing for abandonment or any such thing would be better the longer she was with us. The family continued to try to get the birth mother to sign relinquishment papers, but to no avail. She wanted Ashley back, but she didn’t want to take care of her. She wanted the grandparents to raise her. We were grateful to have her with us and were anxious to adopt her and make things permanent in her life.
In the mean time, the birth mother was not holding down any jobs. She was moving around the states a lot and living out of her car. We tried to document all that we could to help with our case. At a later point she even became pregnant with twin babies. She gave birth to those babies and placed both for adoption. We spent endless hours writing up affidavits and having them signed by everyone that knew the birth mother. We petitioned the court for the adoption based on the length of time we had been taking care of her. The lack of trying on the birthmothers end to see her, or provide for her in any way.
Finally by another miracle in January of 2010 we received notice from the judge that the parental rights of both birth parents had been terminated and we would not need to hold a court hearing. After 2 years Ashley was finally free for us to adopt. Thank goodness for LDS family services for keeping our home study up to date. It only took 2 more weeks for us to get a court date with the judge where he granted Ashley’s adoption and we were able to legally change her name and birth certificate. Two weeks after that we were able to take her to the Bountiful Temple and have her sealed for eternity to our family. Now,
when I tuck in my little girl at night I am able to promise her that we will be a family forever and she will always be with us. I could have never foreseen the challenges that were ahead of me in the beginning of this process. And although it was a long road, I would never trade it for anything. It was worth every sleepless night and every tear that I cried to be able to have her with me for eternity. And for her to have a stable loving family is a gift from Heavenly Father that she will never take for granted.
For anyone who is considering a private or designated adoption… I would say, pray about it and if you believe in your heart that you can do good for that child then take the risk. Talk to people around you and let them know you are searching for your child and I know that Heavenly Father will provide a way for you to find each other.